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Dear People,

Some of you might know my workshop concerning satisfying assertiveness, but since not all do, I will give a quick recap of some of the terms I use. In my workshop I do not focus on saying no or standing up for yourself but on being balanced and feeling satisfied with your interactions. I recognize three emotional/mental states in assertiveness balancing: lion (aggressively saying no, shouting down other people's needs and feeling too angry to think straight), ostrich (saying yes out of habit, only thinking of other and feeling guilty) and balanced (saying yes or no out of awareness of your own spirit, thinking of both the other and yourself and being happy in your life).

Today I write about interactions between lion and balanced state that I see happening more often lately. Must be because of all the political upset happening at the moment in Holland. This type of interaction also tries to reduce the amount of personal responsibility and personal power.

Using others to feel more assertive
You have to make a decision and you know not all people are going to like it. You don't want to be a loin and be angry and say no, because then people will respond back angrily as well. You can't be balanced yet and just say no and own your decision, so instead you try to find a way to make the decision legitimate. So, you ask around to see if there are others who feel the same or who will give you the same advice. This is a silly tactic, because for each point of view, we can find people who agree and disagree with us.

If you hear yourself say in conversations: X agrees with this too or Y told me they wouldn't do that either or Z feels I'm right as well, remember that it doesn't truly make your opinion or decision more legitimate. The person asking for your help or your opinion is interested in you and has nothing to do with X,Y or Z. Balancing your relationships means not adding in extra people, but clearly owning your opinions,  needs and wants.

Another way of shifting responsibility is versions of the famous: "The computer did it". We all know that computers are programmed and only operated by humans. So the computer can't make any decisions or do anything - without a human being. Somebody somewhere has made a mistake, but instead we blame the computer so we don't have to be assertive and put the responsibility where it belongs. Sometimes people do not use the computer as a scapegoat, but a colleague, friend, the weather or some other nameless source.

Remember: you are taking the decisions in your life, so claiming somebody else told you to do something, doesn't mean you can shift the blame to them. People will still be angry at you, the person who made the decision.

Fibbing instead of being assertive
The little white lie, the fib or even plain lying is also a way to escape being truly assertive and owning up to your opinions or decisions. Often people think this way is best as no feelings are being hurt, but neither is a true connection being made. If somebody asks you if you want to come to their party, and you don't want too, but you tell them that date you just can't make it, what do you do when they switch it for you? What if you lied about how much you enjoyed the food and they bring it again next time believing it to be your favorite?

So if you are tempted to duck responsibility and not be assertive, be aware that you won't make a true connection. You can always be assertive in a tactful, respectful way that is true to your feelings. All it takes is some practice, but at least people will know the real you.

Do you recognize these behaviors in yourself? Share them on the blog, facebook fan page or e-mail me about them.