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Dear people,

Parenting should be rewarding, fun and beautiful. Sadly, often we are forced to own up to our own trauma, our own limitations and our own flaws. So it's no surprise that I often help stressed out parents or kids. I already have many resources to help parents out (for example the True Unity Video's around parenthood), but today I'm going to write about reframing parenting difficulties. Why it works and most common problems to reframe. If you like the technique of reframing, you can also check out Reframing Confrontations and Reframing Job Hunting.

Why reframing helps in parenting

How we feel about things greatly influences our behavior. With reframing we can change our outlook, improve our mindset, create more patience and tackle the real problem. I often hear parents say things that aren't true, but feel true nonetheless. Things like: "My child won't sleep", My children don't listen", "My child is difficult". 

One of the things I always say about parenting is: there are no difficult children. There is only difficult parenting. This is a massively important reframe, because it brings your child back to innocence and you back in focus on the problem: the parenting. If you feel your child is being difficult, you are more likely to respond with impatience, anger, nasty words etc. When you feel parenting is being difficult, you are more likely to respond with grace, forgiveness and problem solving. 

Reframing sleep

Wouldn't it be great if we could control our kids sleep? Young, old, it doesn't matter. Just a button we could press, and ta-da the kid is asleep. And we are able to get things done - because the child is sleeping! Sadly, there is no such button. And when we look closely, we realize we don't even have one for ourselves! How many times have we woken up when we wanted to sleep? Tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep for a few hours? 

So what we need to do is not "get the child to sleep", because that implies control, conflict, power struggle and frustration on both sides. It also places unfair expectations on parents and children! What we instead need to do is facilitate sleep. Meaning we give environment we need for sleep and then we are just present with our children and notice what happens. 

For baby's that means clean diaper, fed, good temperature and no discomfort. And then we just give them space to fall asleep. Maybe that means contact napping, maybe that means rocking a bit, maybe that means laying them down in the crib. Swaddling, sleep sack, white noise machine, heartbeat toy - there are so many options, because some baby's sleep easy and some don't. You figure it out as you go - what is needed for good sleep and adjust accordingly.

With older children that means a solid bed time routine, but sometimes also an extra 20 mins to talk about what's bothering them so they can fall asleep. Or giving them space in your bed at night when they had a nightmare. Or bringing in a nightlight.

When sleep is a problem and we are tired, it often *feels* like the child is just being stubborn and doesn't want to sleep. But we all need to sleep. Our bodies all want to sleep. So when sleep doesn't happen - something is wrong and needs to be addressed. Reframing it as: 'child can't sleep' means we know everybody is trying.  

Reframing listening

Probably the most heard of complaint from parents and children! Also, from adults to adults, I think. How often do we complain we don't feel heard or listened to? Tallying that up during the day might shock you. Yet if we look closely, we need to see if our complaint is it's really about listening. Most of the time, what parents really mean is that they aren't being obeyed. 

If it's truly a problem of listening (which it can be), make sure to have ears and nose checked and find out if your child is not zoned out (for example: autism, hyper focus, ADHD or epilepsy). But if what you really mean is obey - it's time to focus on what that means. 

Reframing problems with listening to: "my child doesn't obey me" means that we have to take a look at how we handle authority in our parenting. Some reflection questions:

• Are we asking them for something they can give? No for example won't work before a child is 1 year old, so don't expect that to be obeyed until they can understand what you mean. Check if what you are asking for is developmentally appropriate. 
• Do we give our children too many chances so that our requests are unclear and our children don't know when to obey. Do they know when we are being serious and when we aren't? 
• Are we asking our children to obey us when obeying is very hard for them? Do we need to institute timers or work on transitions?
• Are we expecting 100% obedience even when our children don't know why something is important? Do we need to start looking for buy-in for older children and compromise with them?

There are many reasons why children don't obey. Sometimes they are too young. Sometimes they are learning and pushing boundaries. Sometimes they have other difficulties keeping them from doing what you want. In all cases: we as parents need to figure it out. 

Sometimes disobedience can trigger a lot in the parent. Maybe because you were treated in a horrible way when you didn't obey, so you don't have a healthy frame for how to deal with disobedience. Maybe you feel disrespected or unheard. Parenting is bound to bring up childhood trauma. So take some time to heal  yourself before dealing with authority/obedience issues and you might notice that some things have cleared up as if by magic. 

Reframing difficult children

There is definitely difficult parenting. There are so many ways parenting can be difficult. But when we label a child difficult, we don't give space to who they are, instead making sure that they are prone to act in ways we don't want them to act. I've read a study that split a group in A and B children for the school year. The parents incorrectly assumed the A-group were the smart kids and the B-group were not and treated their children that way. Researchers were shocked that the children actually fell into those roles when they tested them a year later. With the A group being the top half in tests scores and the B group  being the bottom half. A year ago they had divided them by alternating students based on highest test scores hoping to form 2 equal smartness groups.

If you notice yourself labeling, move from the child towards the action. Your child is not selfish -  that was a selfish action. Your child is not stubborn -  your child acted in a stubborn way. We are used to changing  actions - offering alternatives, talking through scenario's, asking questions etc. It always helps to see where we are supporting the trait we want to see. If you want your child to show kindness, generosity, wisdom, self regulation etc. etc. when and how do you practice that? When do you set the example?

Parenting can be difficult in so many ways:

• Our child's behavior triggers us
• Our child's behavior mirrors our flaws
• Childhood wounds keep us from being the parent we want to be
• Physical/Mental/Emotional problems with our child
• Physical/Mental/Emotional problems with ourselves 
• Household stress (financial, absent partner etc.)

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Give yourself some grace when you can't be the parent you want to be or you struggle with a particularly though parenting situation. I'd love to write more about this in the future. If you have some issues you'd like to hear more about, you can email me, post a comment here on the blog or send me a message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram. If you want to heal your parenting struggles with me, ask me for a free intake!

Dear people,

We all deal with resistance every single day. We all have different things that we resist. Maybe it's coming out of bed, maybe it's doing your dishes, maybe it's choosing the better food option, maybe it's trying for another job etc. etc. It's normal to feel some resistance, but sometimes people struggle with large resistance rooted in trauma, past lives, family karma or other chronic issues. If we don't make a commitment to solve it, the resistance will lead to self-sabotage, procrastination and frustration. So today, let's talk about healing resistance. 

Reducing Daily Resistance

We all have things we dislike, so it's natural to be resistant to doing them. Since everybody is different, we all resist different things. The end result of resistance is easily spotted: the task doesn't get done. This type of small resistance can be easily solved by rewards or improving the task. 

I always think it's funny that we know rewards work as positive reinforcement, but most adults don't reward themselves. Whatever the task that you usually resist is, it's a good idea to reward yourself. Make sure however that the reward isn't a self sabotaging one. For example: don't reward a daily task with food if you don't want to gain weight. It's even better if you can reward yourself with things you want to add into your routine. So if you want to be more mindful, you can reward yourself with a 5 minute meditation, a 15 minute break or a gratitude exercise.

Another good way to reduce daily resistance is to make the tasks that you are resisting more fun. A lot of us don't like doing the daily grind of housework, but adding in music, your favorite audio book or some TV is a great way to get yourself happier while doing your task. It might not be as efficient, but it does get done! 

Acknowledging Deeper Resistance

One of the main reasons deeper resistance doesn't get resolved is because people don't acknowledge it. They will only look at the surface: I'm saying that I want to quite smoking, lose weight, clean up my attic, find a new partner, so that must mean I'm working towards it. Yet, when we take the time to reflect, we'd see that our behavior doesn't line up with our talk. 

Sometimes the resistance is in the subconscious so that people seem to have really good reasons on why they aren't making progress. They were busy, life got in the way, they were stressed etc. etc. Yet, examining those reasons often shows that they are just excuses. If we really wanted, we could have taken steps forward.

So it's a good idea to reflect regularly on if you are meeting your goals or not. By seeing why you aren't moving forward you can find out what type of resistance you are experiencing and heal it. It pays off to regularly check out what or who you are resisting. I always double check when I have to reschedule a task to see if I'm procrastinating, if I prioritized correctly and if I notice any resistance.

Healing Deeper Resistance

Once we know deeper resistance is there, it's time to heal it. It's important to figure out where the resistance is coming from and to step into willingness. Besides this exercise, you can also use the True Unity Video: Releasing Resistance or search my Channel for videos to heal specific resistance types like Fear of the Next Step, Fear of Rejection, Procrastination and others.

Exercise: Healing Resistance

• Take around 15-20 minutes for this exercise
• Grab a pen/pencil and a piece of paper
• Write down all your resistance thoughts and thought patterns
• If you have trouble accessing them use prompts like: I resist doing X, because, I'm afraid to do X, because, I won't do X, because or I feel resistance, because
• Once you have all resistance written down, take some time to feel it in your body and resonate with the parts of you who are angry, resentful, frustrated, fearful etc.
• Ask for help from God, Higher Power, the Universe etc. to come to a state of willingness / surrender
• Ask to have all parts integrated so your resistance disappears and you feel wholly committed
• Test your commitment by write down what you want to do and setting an alarm to reflect on if it happened
•  Repeat this exercise as much as you want to discover new sources of resistance.
• Don't forget to drink a bit of water and do some grounding 

If you want to share your experience with resistance or my exercises, you can email me, post a comment here on the blog or send me a message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram. If you want to heal your resistance with me, ask me for a free intake!