Dear people,
If we want to make changes in our lives by changing our behavior it's very important we see the difference between shame, guilt and accountability. Often, I see people stuck in the first two and they never make it into the last one. We all need to take accountability if we want to make changes. It's all the more frustrating for me, as my native language, Dutch, does not separate responsibility and accountability. So today I'm writing about the interconnections of the two emotional states of shame and guilt and the healing state of accountability.
Why guilt and shame go hand in hand
I've already written an article about moving past guilt and of course I have the True Unity: Release Guilt healing video available. So if you are stuck in guilt or if guilt is an emotion you feel very easily, be sure to check out those free resources.
We all make mistakes. Dealing with them in a healthy way is extremely important. When we don’t, we get stuck in repeating cycles of pain. When we feel too guilty about our mistakes, we tend to get stuck into self sabotage and littleness making it even harder to make the necessary changes to stop us from repeating our mistakes.
And when we feel too guilty, we feel like we are a bad person and so we hide ourselves out of shame. Shame makes us feel extremely small. People who are ashamed of themselves or their behavior won't reach out for help and support. Shame makes us feel we don't deserve it or that if people would know who we are (or what we've done) they would run away from us or turn us away.
These two toxic approaches to mistakes reinforce each other. The guiltier we feel, the more ashamed we are. The more ashamed we are, the guiltier we feel. And that causes people to spiral down into hopelessness and powerlessness. And every repeated mistake makes us feel worse and worse and worse. There is no way out, because we won't help ourselves or allow others to help us. And often that only reinforces that message of being unworthy, stupid, bad etc.
The problem with dismissing guilt and shame
When we choose to suppress our guilt and shame, we might turn defensive towards others, we might choose to dismiss our mistake, disassociate or pretend things didn't happen. That means there is 0 opportunity to gain wisdom, learn from our mistakes and make better and healthier choices.
If guilt and shame should be incentives to make changes. Both these difficult emotions should confront us with the knowledge we aren't proud of our actions and we aren't happy with the consequences of our choices. But when guilt and shame turn into feeling that we as a person are worthless or bad or etc. it becomes a way to self sabotage and stay stuck in cycles of pain. Since you are bad, and not your choices, there is no way to change that, so why even try?
I always tell people to separate the problem from themselves. We are never the problem. Our actions can be. Our choices. Our beliefs. Our denial. But we ourselves can't be the problem, because we are more than just 1 action and more than just one situation. And, we should always be part of the solution. We can make different choices, believe different things, clean up our act and release our guilt and shame. Accountability is the road towards the solution!
Why accountability is the solution
I often find it remarkable when people tell me that they aren't responsible or need to hold themselves accountable, because it was an accident. I always ask them if they think their car insurance feels the same if they were in a car accident. That usually helps remind that that we should still hold ourselves accountable for our actions, even when we didn't want to consequences, didn't want to harm or hurt somebody etc. etc.
When we choose to hold ourselves accountable, we usually skip the debilitating guilt and shame. We decided that yes, it's our responsibility and our duty to find a solution. We can choose to atone, so we can release our guilt and make it right. Or we can choose to forgive ourselves and move on with lessons learned and a better perspective on ourselves.
When we hold ourselves accountable, the fact that it's our fault or not, becomes irrelevant. There is a solution that needs to be found and a situation that needs to be handled. And we need to find it. Of course we can ask for help, support or advice, but we are on the road to a solution. We know it's our work and we need to do it.
So I'm reminding you today: hold yourself accountable so you can heal. And if you need some help with that, you can also manifest more accountability with my Manifestation Meditation: Accountability. If you want to talk more about guilt, shame and accountability or ask what's possible for you, you can email me, post a comment here on the blog or send me a message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram.
Pick and choose what works for you and affirm away (I recommend three times a day if you can manage it).
Dear people,
Why does it help to give your Inner Child closure?
We all know that children have big feelings. They still have to learn to understand and regulate their emotions, learn how reality works and balance out the physical hormonal impacts. It's no surprise that we've all been through toddler tantrums or teenager rebellion.
What harms a child emotionally can look really silly from an outside or adult perspective. That makes it much harder to actually to the work we need to find closure (acceptance, forgiveness, letting go etc.). Often the adult, more rational part of us, insist it was 'no big deal' or 'we should be over that already'.
So it can be very healing to step into your inner child perspective and combine it with your adult perspective to give yourself the closure it needs. It will help integrate both energies, making sure you feel more vibrant and alive and it will increase your understanding of yourself and others.
Inner child exercise: Closure
- This exercise is done in 2 parts: the child and the adult part.
- Take around 30 minutes for each part of this exercise - so 1 hour total at minimum
- For the child part, take a pen and paper
- Allow yourself to connect with your own Inner Child
- Write down all the childhood frustrations, pains and disappointments you still remember through the lens of your childhood self.
- Since you remember them, it automatically means you have healing work that can be done. Once things are healed, we tend to not remember what bothered us per se. So don't censor yourself. Allow all child(ish) pain to be named
- Once you are done post the letter to yourself
- Drink a bit of water and do some grounding
- Adult part: once the letter arrives take around 30 minutes to read it carefully
- If the letter arrives quite quickly, you can take a few days before starting, so you have a fresh set of eyes on what you've written
- As the adult: what would you do to comfort this child?
- As the adult: what actions would you take to give this child what they need?
- As the adult: what would you explain to this child?
- By doing these 3 things: comfort, action and only then explaining, you are giving your child self what it needs first and only then start with an adult perspective to closure. By doing it in this order, your child self will find closure. Usually we start with the explanations, meaning we sympathize more with the adults instead of with the child
- Once you've taken the appropriate steps thank you child self for being honest and open with you.
- Send extra love and comfort to your child self or ask Higher Power to do so
- Choose what you want to do with the letter (throwing it out, burning, etc.)
- Drink a bit of water and do some grounding