Dear people,
Today I want to write about the problem with me time, but people who have listened to my Dutch column have already heard me speak about this live on the radio. I hear a lot of people talk about me time, how much they need it and how important it is to them. Since I didn't have time yet to start on the task of making English subtitles to the currently 80+ columns available, I thought it would be a good idea to write about this on the blog today so it reaches my English speaking audience sooner.
The difference between me time and self-care
A lot of people are quite flabbergasted that I personally am not a proponent of me time. Especially since I am a mom with two young kids, meaning due to those obligations, my me time would often be low. And I should know that for mental health, it's so important to have me time.
And especially because I am really a big proponent of taking care of yourself, and I'm written and talked so much about self-care. There is are even two Self Care videos on my YouTube Channel: a Creating Joy: Self Care and a Spiritual Column: Self-Care and third is coming soon (Manifestation Meditation). And of course many of my healing resources are a way of caring for yourself.
So why am I so against me time if I love self care?
Self-care shows that you know where your limits are and you know that you need to take care of yourself on all levels. Whether that's physically by taking a bath, taking a walk, sitting down, having your favorite meal or emotionally seeking comfort for yourself or asking that from friends, family or higher power or just sharing your successes. Take care of your mental health by making sure that you're not over thinking or overanalyzing or stuck in anxieties or panic and making sure you stay on your spiritual path by meditation, centering or other techniques.
Self-care shows that you know what you need to feel good and you have no problem admitting that you don't feel good. You don't feel weak when you need self-care. You are aware that all of us need care. It's like a garden: if you do not take care of it, stuff will still grow, but it may not in the places you want, and some stuff that you do not like will also start growing. So it's very important that we take care of ourselves and sometimes in our busy lives we forget that and when we don't keep to healthy boundaries one way or another stuff will start to break. The bill always comes due. Whether that means that physically you got exhausted or all kinds of small ailments, whether that means emotionally you feel unfulfilled or in need of support or mentally by having trouble dealing with anxieties or stress.
Some people think me time is the same, because me time according to a lot of people is a type of self-care. It's time just for you, to do something just for you. So how is that not self-care? For me however me prime implies your time is divided in time just for you and somehow in time that isn't yours. And that is quite a difficult pill to swallow because we are the person choosing what we do with our time, whether we choose to sleep, whether we choose to make some time for friends or family, what work we do and when etc. We are the ones choosing what we do with our time. So all our time is me time.
But if you actually feel that me time is just a small sliver of your day, it set you up by thinking that all your other time is not your personal choice. It's set you up with the idea that other people take from your time or take from you, because for example spending time at work is not me time. And actually spending time with your kids is not me time, spending time with your partner isn't me time, spending time with your friends or family isn't me time etc etc. I find this very problematic.
It also sounds like you don't have any agency and are just prey to takes in your life or obligations you didn't choose. Why isn't all the time you have your me time? I find it very important to ask that question so that you can actually see what you need to change in your life. We all have agency even if we choose to play dumb and pretend not to exercise it.
Transforming all time to me time
So for example if your work time is not your me time, that means that you're not doing the right thing at your job. Maybe you're burned out, it doesn't give you fulfillment or you aren't appreciated. There might be some things that you can do to make your job nicer, maybe you need to do something else entirely or maybe you just need to move on to a different company.
There are all kinds of ways of making sure hat your job is actually your me time. Of course what we want from our jobs, let me talk about it from a self-care perspective, is completely different. Some people do best in high-paced environments and thrive on challenge. While other people do best with work that does not demand much of them, so they can actually spend that energy at home with their families or in their volunteer work or in their hobbies. So for your work to be me time it highly depends on what you need from your work.
When me time is not with our families or with our friends, that means often people are incredibly big people pleasers. They forget about themselves and they're just looking to make everything harmonious and they just feel that it is kind of a obligation to spend time with their parents or whoever they're spending their time with and a highly recommend that you do the True Unity video Release People Pleasing. When that trap is released, spending time with your loved ones does become me time and a rejuvenating activity.
Sometimes people tell me like, "Yeah, but I'm an introvert, so no social interaction will ever make me feel rejuvenated." And I don't think that is true because we all like to be loved, treasured and cherished. We all find fulfillment in human connection. And if I asked them, then so when you spent time with your spouse during the dating phase, didn't it rejuvenate you? Didn't you feel hyped or weren't you happily anticipating spending time together? And how about with friends? You never left a dinner with friends happier then you started? Or got support from them that made your life better?
It's true that introverts have less of a social battery. It's true that they have an easier time restoring themselves outside of social interactions. But it doesn't mean that any type of social interaction is a one that isn't right for you."
So whatever your spend your time on, should be transformed into me time. It should be an active choice, with agency and awareness. Whether it's shopping, household tasks, sleeping, etc., etc., I do highly recommend that if there's some parts of your household work that is definitely not me time, you try to switch that around with the other people taking care of your household or it's used you to pay somebody to do that work or you trade favors with a friend. Maybe it's because household tasks are the hardest for me to transform into me time, but I do feel that some chores just really tend to drain us. But chores still need to be done, so having them done is an ultimate act of self care. That doesn't mean that it's always that simple. I remember as a student that I was really tough to having to do some of the household work, especially when I was seriously ill at that time. When we choose to make household tasks also our me time, there are quite a few rewards to having a clean house, eating good food and just feeling good about everything in your possession.
So I highly recommend that you think on when you're using me time and what is wrong and out of balance in your life that that is why you think you need time on your own. Why you feel you need time away from what you see as obligations. You need time without other people and that you take a good look on if you have enough free time. If you have them practicing healthy self care or maybe you're stuck in a situation that just isn't right for you whether it's at work, at home, with friends, etc. And if you want to think more about balancing your life you can also listen to it at Reflective moments Series about balance.
Transforming me time exercise
I hope this exercise helps you return to a life that's all yours. If
you want to talk more about me-time or self care, post a comment here on the blog or
send me a
message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram.
Pick and choose what works for you and affirm away (I recommend three times a day if you can manage it).
Dear people,
If we want to make changes in our lives by changing our behavior it's very important we see the difference between shame, guilt and accountability. Often, I see people stuck in the first two and they never make it into the last one. We all need to take accountability if we want to make changes. It's all the more frustrating for me, as my native language, Dutch, does not separate responsibility and accountability. So today I'm writing about the interconnections of the two emotional states of shame and guilt and the healing state of accountability.
Why guilt and shame go hand in hand
I've already written an article about moving past guilt and of course I have the True Unity: Release Guilt healing video available. So if you are stuck in guilt or if guilt is an emotion you feel very easily, be sure to check out those free resources.
We all make mistakes. Dealing with them in a healthy way is extremely important. When we don’t, we get stuck in repeating cycles of pain. When we feel too guilty about our mistakes, we tend to get stuck into self sabotage and littleness making it even harder to make the necessary changes to stop us from repeating our mistakes.
And when we feel too guilty, we feel like we are a bad person and so we hide ourselves out of shame. Shame makes us feel extremely small. People who are ashamed of themselves or their behavior won't reach out for help and support. Shame makes us feel we don't deserve it or that if people would know who we are (or what we've done) they would run away from us or turn us away.
These two toxic approaches to mistakes reinforce each other. The guiltier we feel, the more ashamed we are. The more ashamed we are, the guiltier we feel. And that causes people to spiral down into hopelessness and powerlessness. And every repeated mistake makes us feel worse and worse and worse. There is no way out, because we won't help ourselves or allow others to help us. And often that only reinforces that message of being unworthy, stupid, bad etc.
The problem with dismissing guilt and shame
When we choose to suppress our guilt and shame, we might turn defensive towards others, we might choose to dismiss our mistake, disassociate or pretend things didn't happen. That means there is 0 opportunity to gain wisdom, learn from our mistakes and make better and healthier choices.
If guilt and shame should be incentives to make changes. Both these difficult emotions should confront us with the knowledge we aren't proud of our actions and we aren't happy with the consequences of our choices. But when guilt and shame turn into feeling that we as a person are worthless or bad or etc. it becomes a way to self sabotage and stay stuck in cycles of pain. Since you are bad, and not your choices, there is no way to change that, so why even try?
I always tell people to separate the problem from themselves. We are never the problem. Our actions can be. Our choices. Our beliefs. Our denial. But we ourselves can't be the problem, because we are more than just 1 action and more than just one situation. And, we should always be part of the solution. We can make different choices, believe different things, clean up our act and release our guilt and shame. Accountability is the road towards the solution!
Why accountability is the solution
I often find it remarkable when people tell me that they aren't responsible or need to hold themselves accountable, because it was an accident. I always ask them if they think their car insurance feels the same if they were in a car accident. That usually helps remind that that we should still hold ourselves accountable for our actions, even when we didn't want to consequences, didn't want to harm or hurt somebody etc. etc.
When we choose to hold ourselves accountable, we usually skip the debilitating guilt and shame. We decided that yes, it's our responsibility and our duty to find a solution. We can choose to atone, so we can release our guilt and make it right. Or we can choose to forgive ourselves and move on with lessons learned and a better perspective on ourselves.
When we hold ourselves accountable, the fact that it's our fault or not, becomes irrelevant. There is a solution that needs to be found and a situation that needs to be handled. And we need to find it. Of course we can ask for help, support or advice, but we are on the road to a solution. We know it's our work and we need to do it.
So I'm reminding you today: hold yourself accountable so you can heal. And if you need some help with that, you can also manifest more accountability with my Manifestation Meditation: Accountability. If you want to talk more about guilt, shame and accountability or ask what's possible for you, you can email me, post a comment here on the blog or send me a message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram.