Welcome at Flow of Miracles

Dear People,

Recently I discussed with a client that it's important to surround yourself with the right people. While she understood the importance of that, she wondered how she could determine who is a good fit and who isn't. I thought that was an excellent question and decided to write an article about it.

Usual Progression in friendships through life
What I usually see is that most young children tend to have friends who are available like classmates or neighboring kids. They want to spend some time and don't have the opportunity to meet a lot of different people. When they grow up - start to have hobbies, go to different schools - again availability is important, but so is having the same interests. A wider group of people becomes available and so we form bonds with people who interest us. Then life diverges as some get married or start working, have kids, get a divorce and just live their lives. We start becoming closer to some people, find and meet new people, and drift apart from others.

We end up with a mixed group of friends whom we know from different stages in our lives. Not everybody in your life is meant to stay in it forever. The common thread of the people that stay in our lives is usually that we can rely on them, that they feel the same as we do on core principles that matter to us and that we can resolve conflict with them. They bring positivity in our lives and we bring positivity to them.

What if I am not left with a group of friends that brings positivity?
Sometimes people try to keep friendships going long past their time. They keep trying to keep from drifting apart or keep things together even through nasty conflicts. Usually these bonds feel uneven (I invest more time/energy/effort) and painful (I'm regularly hurt by their actions). If that sounds like a bond you have in your life, ask yourself why and start actively letting go.

Some questions to answer for yourself:

• Is it because the only way for you to end a friendship is with a major bang? 
• A big fight that means you don't want to speak to somebody ever again? 
• Is it because you try to hang on to somebody, trying to be somebody you are not? 
• Are you faking it? 
• Do you think you have to keep on forgiving for the sake of a long friendship? 
• Do you have expectations that are too much for the other person?

Remember, a successful friendship is not one that has lasted x years, a successful friendship is one in which you can grow, feel energized and happy, supported and loved. Yes you will have disagreements, but they are solved and make your friendship stronger and deeper.

I wrote an earlier article on how to balance relationships and relationship expectations here. You can use it to help bring your relationships back to positivity or to see when it's really time to let somebody go.

What if I am not left with a group of friends?
Sometimes due to life circumstances like moving or illness we don't manage to keep our friendships alive. People drop off because your life has turned too difficult or you can't invest your time and energy. Now you have a huge gap where your social circle used to be. Don't worry - a lot of people have or have had this problem.

Firstly, don't try to immediately fit somebody into your life full time. While you have a gap and time to meet up many times, treat this new person as if you have a full friend circle. Meet up with them a few times with a reasonable time frame between those times to see what they are like.

Secondly, treat them like a new friend - don't immediately start asking for a lot of support or understanding. That can be very off putting while somebody is trying to get to know you. Let the friendship grow organically. Recognize that not all your needs will be met with just one person or within a short time frame.

Thirdly, keep on adding to your acquaintance circle by going out and doing interesting things and meeting new people. Start new hobbies, open yourself up to new experiences, go to meet up groups and just enjoy life. Gradually people will fall away and other people will bond deeper with you. I recommend this to people who have a full friend circle too - as new friendships are beautiful and old friendships sometimes end.

What if I feel I'm missing a certain type of friend?
We all have this ideal life in which we have the type of friend who has the same interest as us. Suppose you are passionate about cooking or spiritual practice or about any other interest, and it so happens that none of your friends are. That can make you feel lonely and isolated, as you can't share something you think is a major part of your life.

So, it's time to make room for a friend that shares your interests. The first question to ask is: is there room in your life? As long as your time, energy and effort goes into deadbeat friendships, probably not. So first, make room, even if it makes you feel even lonelier.

Secondly, if you have good friends, don't be shy about asking them to join you in your interest now and again. Sure, they might not be so passionate about cooking, but asking them to come sample some of your dishes or to took together one time is sure to go over well. Ask them to join you in your hobby or go to a lecture on something you are interested in and they might be. Just as sometimes you join them into an activity that doesn't truly appeal to you - your friends are bound to do the same.

Thirdly, no friend will come around to fit the exact hole you feel in your life. People are people, and nobody will fit your ideal. If you want to meet up people with the same interest, it's time to look for them. Don't look for a friend, look for interesting acquaintances and see who you bond deeper with. Go alone to those interesting lectures or group activities and just chat.

Why do I bond deeper with some people and not with others?
A lot of people will tell me that they like having friends who are radically different then they are - as it promotes growth. A different view point keeps things interesting. I agree, but what I see in bonding is that we have a type of underlying principles that are the same. That doesn't mean that the interests however are the same or that the people are the same.

A good rule of thumb is: if you can compromise or don't feel deeply hurt then it's not a principle for you and it's fine when your friend or partner feels and acts differently. If it is a principle for you, be sure to communicate clearly on how important it is to you and what it means to you and then see if the other person is willing and able to compromise. If not, please let each other go and don't wound each other.

Some examples:
You can be friends with somebody who has a radically different political beliefs. But only if neither of you view those beliefs as an integral part of yourself and both of you can agree on being tolerant about it. Politics are the interest, the principle is tolerance and neither feel the principle is politics. If this isn't true, pretty soon, you will find yourself in pointless discussions that hurt leading to an unsatisfying friendship.

You can be friends with somebody who prefers a different way of timing. One of you is always on time and the other is always late. This only works is both of you view being late not as a disrespectful thing but as a 'can happen sometimes' thing. Again, timing is not a principle for either of you, but flexibility is. If this isn't true, one person is going to feel disrespected and the other is going to feel pressured and unaccepted.

You are somebody who loves to plan outings, but your friend isn't. This is fine as long as the person who plans doesn't feel that it's a principle of love, care and attention, but just a fun activity. If it is, the friend needs to step up (and do their share) or step out.

Want to discuss friendships and relationships with me? Talk to me in the practice, leave a message on the blog or on the Facebook Fan Page.

Dear People,

Today I'm taking about a concept on how to turn all relationships in your life (acquaintances, coworkers, friends, family and spouses) positive. For many of us, these relationships can cause stress and strain, so read on to make your life easier!

The easy: A positive balanced relationship
We all know this type of relationship, we are happy to hear from the other person, their energy makes us shine. They are easy to love, because they are fair, take our feelings into account and build a strong foundation with us. Sure, they ask for help, but they give it too. We can have misunderstandings, but they don't occur often and we have the tools to solve them easily and with kindness.

Surround yourself with people who are like that. People who accept you, compromise easily with you, have the same type of values and good trouble solving skills.

Story example: Helping out a stranger
It was past 9pm and I just returned from dropping flyers in mailboxes for Hart en Ziel. On the street I was asked for direction to a grocery store nearby by a man in a car with 2 kids and his wife in the car. I gave them directions to the store they asked about, but warned that I worried it might be closed. They left and I talked to my bf about how I felt something was off and I hoped they would be alright.

A few minutes later we saw the car again, indeed, the store was closed. My bf decided to grab the car (we were around 5 minutes from my house at this point) and I stayed with the couple. I asked them if everything was alright as it seemed a bit off. He told me that they had just arrived and had planned to go to a restaurant, but the oldest child was feeling ill so they just wanted to get some bread and milk.

My bf arrived and we drove in front of them to the 24-hour store so they managed to pick up their groceries. In the car I told him about the sick child and that I think they were better off seeing a doctor tonight. Bf wisely agreed and asked the man if he should just show him the way to the doctor as well. He readily agreed and we made sure we were alright. Obviously, this man greatly appreciated our help as well as wanting a balanced relationship, so in the store he had bought us both a big bottle of beer. It wasn't necessary, but it was very kind. For future reference though: I don't drink beer!

The slightly harder: A balanced relationship that has gone a bit sour
You don't know exactly what happened, maybe you asked too much or maybe the other person made a remark that felt too scathing, but now you wonder where that lovely person that you were always happy to meet disappeared to. It just feels like things have begun to become unequal.

First analyze what has happened: has a mishap occurred or have you two grown apart? In long relationships we tend to forgive a lot, but sometimes it's only natural to have something end. A good long chat would help clear the air and move you back into 'easy mode' or allow you to see that it's no longer a good fit and say your farewells. Don't allow relationships to simmer in this mode, as it will continue being a drain on your mood, energy and happiness.

Story example: A budding friendship
A few years ago I had a lot more free time, as I was busy getting better and while I did need to rest more, I had less obligations too. I met somebody who I felt was interesting in the healing field, who helped me on my journey to get better. It seemed like we shared a lot of values so it was only natural to see if would could make it work as friends.

While I was doing treatment with him, he expected me to come by at least 2-3 times a week. I did this, because I wanted the best results and I felt those sessions were very healing. When we started moving into friendship territory, he still expected to see me that often. For me, that was impossible, as I still needed to do healing work and I didn't even see my other friends once a week. I started to feel very pressured and resentment was building.

I recognized that we were a bad fit - he'd always be disappointed that I didn't call him daily, did some things on my own instead of together and didn't come by so often - I'd always be feeling pressured and like this wasn't healthy or natural for me. I opted to move on and while it was hard for him, I still feel I did the best for both of us.

Harder still: An unbalanced relationship
Maybe you feel like you are always the one giving help, while the other person never supports you. Maybe you feel like the other person won't every let you help, making you feel guiltier all the time. An unbalanced relationship is a horrible relationship to have as it's a major drain to your energy.

Give yourself space to daydream: In a perfect world, what would happen to balance out this relationship? How much would the other person need to change, how much would you need to change? If you find out that your expectations aren't going to be met, because the other person can't change that much or you can't change that much, acknowledge that this relationship is a bad fit and move on. If you don't, hurt feelings will continue to simmer until you either blow up or move on, making your life toxic in the mean time.

Story example: A long distance friendship
When I lived in Portugal I made a group of friends at the University. It's always easy to maintain relationships when you see each other every day. However, I had to move back to Holland and while some relationships stayed balanced, some did not.


I had a friend that would only get in touch if she needed something - advice, encouragement, support - but wouldn't answer any e-mails or phone calls otherwise. She didn't talk much to me, so sometimes I didn't hear anything for a few months. This didn't sit well with me, as it made me feel like I was just a resource to be used, instead of a friend. When I got back to Portugal she was mad that I didn't have much time left to meet up with her. I had asked all my friends 2 weeks in advance by e-mail to let me know when they wanted to meet up so I could schedule people in, as well as do some things I wanted to do myself and rest up. She felt it wasn't fair that I didn't give her equal time, even though she had never responded to that e-mail.

I talked with her and told her that I'd appreciate it if we would go back to a more equal footing. I didn't mind helping her, but if she did want a healthy friendship, she should respond more often and share positive stories too. She agreed, but sadly, another 4 months passed before she contacted me again with a problem. I let her know that I had tried (I had send out e-mails to her in the mean time), but that I think it was better if I moved on.

Hardest: A hurtful relationship/hurtful moment you didn't/can't escape
You know you can't stand that other person and if it was up to you you wouldn't speak or see each other. However, this person is family or your boss or you just couldn't escape that person. Or a certain experience with somebody was very painful and it still haunts you.

If you are dealing with a painful experience, I always suggest putting the experience into a new light. Close your eyes and go back time to that experience. Place your hands lovingly on past you, giving past you, strength and compassion. What do you see? Can you see the lesson? Did this experience bring you something positive? Maybe the knowledge you had to stand up more for yourself, maybe the knowledge that this type of person doesn't fit you, maybe ... only you can tell.

If you are dealing with somebody whom you can't connect well with, I usually suggest moving on if at all possible and if that feels right for the person. If that's not possible to see if you can minimize contact or find a way of contact that works for you. For example: do activities instead of chatting.

While you are minimizing contact, it's time to assess why this person bothers you so much. You could use the technique mentioned before or make a list of what type of behavior is really hurtful to you and figure out why. Often there are many broken expectations and past experiences that made the relationship hurtful. Once you start clearing them, you will notice that the relationship becomes a lot healthier and the person becomes easier to deal with. You might never have an easy positive balanced relationship, but you can work towards having a neutral one, in which you can deal with that person in small doses without it turning toxic for you.

Story example: A strangers cutting remark
While on a holiday I was enjoying a meal with my bf. A few things went wrong (cork in the wine) and not everything was to my taste as the fish was overcooked. I guess we were expecting better, but we made the most of it and were having a good time. We even chatted to the table next to us, as we recognized that couple from our floor. I normally wouldn't do that, but they started talking to us and they were very friendly.

After the meal, somebody from the restaurant came by to ask us how we enjoyed the meal. I told them we had been expecting a bit better quality in service and in the food, but all in all, we had enjoyed it. We talked about dinner experiences abroad and in Holland. I felt it was an amicable conversation and before we wanted to leave my bf decided to go and use the facilities. While he was gone, the party on my right was also getting up. They had apparently greatly enjoyed the meal and the one of them was even telling the restaurant manager that she was an editor for a food magazine. She then turned to me and stated: "You are very rude". I was perplexed and asked her what she meant. She wouldn't elaborate and walked away.

This moment stayed hurtful for a long time with me, as rudeness is something that apparently I felt was very bad. I took the time to acknowledge that this cultural value (Chinese) was maybe a bit outdated for me. While I do not recommend being rude, I do recognize now that there are worse things to be. I'm grateful for getting this opportunity to examine something within myself. I still don't know what that ladies problem was, and most likely, I'm never going to figure that out, but that doesn't matter, it was a positive experience, because that insult cut me very deep. I needed to heal that part of myself and she was there to give me that lesson.

Want help to heal a relationship in your life or share a story of your own? Get in touch by e-mail or connect with me on the Facebook Fan Page or on the blog.