True Aid: Step 1 Don't take charge
We are all responsible for our own happiness, for our own feelings and for our own lives. So, if at this moment, your life is not the way you want it to be: take charge and start the work that is necessary. That doesn't mean that you deserve the bad things that have happened to you or that you should feel guilty. We are all human and we all make mistakes that we need to correct.
When we want to help others, we often can try to take charge of the problem. We think that we know better so we try to shoulder the burden and solve the problem. This completely depletes us and soon we start feeling resentful. At the same time, the people we are trying to help do not learn their lesson and start to become more and more needy and dependent. It's a lose-lose situation.
A short example: If you have a partner that doesn't seem to be able to deal with their finances, it's tempting to try to take charge. You might choose to give them an allowance or check their finances now and again. You might offer money to help them out when they are in trouble.
All of these things are Quick Fixes, because it doesn't change the fundamental problem: Your loved one should take charge of their money problems and learn how to spend money responsibly. Sooner or later they will mess up again and you need to either play savior (which depletes yourself and keeps them dependent) or feel like there is nothing you can do.
So, what can you do? In this example, True Aid means you either steer somebody to a professional to get aid (in this case a financial adviser) or you will do the work together with them and explain how to budget and keep to it. Then you let them try for themselves and won't step in when the inevitable mistake gets made. After all, nobody does everything right 100% of the time. Over time you will see improvements if your loved one really wants to learn.
Check carefully if you are giving somebody True Aid or if you are at the moment handling out Quick Fixes.
To find out you ask yourself:
- Is there somebody in your life that makes you feel depleted or that you feel is very needy?
- Are their tasks you are doing that actually don't belong to you?
True Aid: Step 2 Identify the structural problem
When people are ready to have help in a situation, they will ask. Before that time, it's just our job to protect our boundaries. Are you tired of hearing people vent, please change the topic of the conversation, but don't press aid upon them!
Once they ask for help, be honest. Don't try to be kind first, because then we have a tendency to smudge the truth by saying things like: "I'm sure you are doing all you can" or "I trust things will resolve themselves". When your loved one has a structural problem, the thing they need from us first and foremost, is the truth. That can be discomfiting, because we have to tell people we love that they should take responsibility for the problem and how they are enabling their problems. Be as kind as possible, while being honest.
It might surprise you that your loved one actually recognizes the structural problem, but felt uncomfortable talking about it or unable to see what they can do about it. Or that your idea of the structural problem is not their idea. This offers opportunities to deepen your bond together and learn from each other.
True Aid: Step 3 Discussing potential solutions
Once you have helped identify the problem, you can give true Aid by discussing potential solutions. Sometimes your loved one is too angry to listen to a potential solution and that's fine. Just shelve it for another time. Structural problems don't go away and your loved one might need to struggle with it for a bit longer, before wanting to solve it.
There are many potential solutions for structural problems, but most of them include:
- Analyzing why you are in this pattern
- Analyzing your past (is there something there that is causing these problems)
- What is this pattern giving you?
- What is this pattern taking from you?
- Is there a professional that can support you in solving this problem?
- Do you have the skills to solve this or do you need to learn something first?
True Aid: Step 4 Step Back and be supportive!
This is the most important aspect of True Aid. Step back. You have done all you can. Don't fall in the trap of wanting to set up meetings, discuss some more or hounding your loved one into getting a professional to help them. Don't fall into temptation to fix it for them.
You said your piece, you did your part, step back and let them fix it. While they fix it, be supportive by being there when mistakes are made or when your loved one feels disappointed. Over time, your loved one will learn or move to a level that's appropriate for them.
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