Dear People,
With the pandemic going on and the holiday season coming up, it's time to talk about traditions. For a lot of us, traditions that we have established won't work this year. Meeting up with large groups will most likely not be possible, so we have to adjust and adapt. I'm pro revisiting traditions often, because sometimes they become a burden, making us feel obligated and upset, instead of filling us with joy.
Why traditions?
Humans like rituals, like repeating cycles and those help give meaning to our lives. So it's not surprising that all of us have traditions. Some are cultural, some are religious, some are ancestral and some are personal. Traditions help us enjoy, find safety or share experiences.
A lot of times people will tell me they hardly have any traditions, mostly because they become so normal that they don't think they are worth mentioning. Even so, we all celebrate in our own unique ways and we al have things we want to do at certain times. It might be as simple as allowing the person whose birthday it is to choose dinner or as elaborate as a multi day wedding.
Bane or Blessing
When traditions move from a blessing, a shared joy, towards a bane, an obligation filled with guilt, it's often because people decide that the tradition is more important then the person. People then forget why a certain tradition is meaningful or what the original thought was.
For example: if it's tradition that you eat ham at Easter with the family and you don't care that a new family member has allergies, that means the tradition itself (eating ham) is more important then the original thought: sharing good food together.
Another reason traditions become banes is, because often people feel pressured to do the traditional thing, even when it no longer serves them well. Remember that most traditions start in our childhood and if we don't choose to create traditions in when we become an adult, meet a partner, have children or at any other stage in life, that means we'd stay stuck with traditions that no longer serve us.
It can be daunting to tell your parents that you will no longer spend Christmas Day at their house, but changes in your life will always mean changes in your traditions. Some might be seamless, like having a partner join in, but others might not.
Another reason tradition become banes is when people have opposite traditions and have to figure out what will work for them as a couple. It might be really disappointing to give something up that is meaningful to you. I recommend compromising in traditions, even if it means it becomes every other year, instead of each year. Giving up meaningful traditions permanently breeds resentment and anger.
Check in for traditions
I believe it should become common place to discuss with your partner, your family or your friends if certain traditions still work as intended or if they have to be modified. That group holiday with friends every year might work splendid in college, but not so well once people start having kids.
By keeping options open and modifying traditions to keep them inclusive, the first person with a changed life, will not feel pressured or obligated, but instead will continue to feel blessed. If making time for each other around Christmas is more important then a specific date, sharing Christmas with more people becomes a blessing instead of an obligation.
Take some time to think on which traditions no longer work for you and ask people around you if they can be modified in a way that works again. After all, following the spirit of a tradition is so much more important than the exact letter of it.
Be brave, and start new traditions this year! Need some support to change your traditions or want to share your favorite tradition? Ask me for a session or talk to
me in the practice.
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