Lately I have seen a few examples on how a sense of 'what is fair' can impede the Healing Process, which is why I wanted to write about this on the blog for a while now.
Why a feeling of fairness can impede the start of your Healing
In our lives, we encounter people/things/events that we deem 'good' or 'bad'. A lovely Chinese Parable about what we deem a blessing or a curse is the story of the Old Man and the Horse. Despite it's dire warnings to not judge, most of us continue to do so. Out of this judging comes a sense of fake Fairness, which I will talk about in this article.
Now that people have decided what in their lives is a blessing and what is a curse, they will deem if they are treated unfairly or fairly. They can now complain that they always get the short end of the stick - that they have more troubles then their neighbors and that it is unfair.
Now this unfairness grows into a sense of entitlement. If you are treated unfairly, why should you do the work? Shouldn't good things happen to you to compensate for it? Shouldn't you have an easy time of it? You surely didn't deserve this!
So now, you have a good reason to stop investing in your Healing Journey. Nobody deserves illness, broken relationships or other things we qualify as misfortune or curses. Yet, when we encounter them, we have a choice to work through it or stay with it. Fair or not, there are no other options!
How a feeling of fairness can impede a Healing Journey
Another way 'fairness' can impede a Healing is when it impedes the Healing Journey. Healing is a Journey of self discovery of finding out what works for you and what doesn't. Often it's hard to see what is working for you and what isn't. Some people with the same complaints might make more progress and despite your hard work it might *look* like you are making none.
Then it's easy to sit down and complain. To find it unfair that you are doing so much work - with none of the results you hoped for. This sense of Fairness can stop people in their Healing Journey completely for a long time if you let it.
A Healing Journey is not straight forward. Now that my blood values are returning to normal and stabilizing, I can not say: "This is what worked for me". I have done many things and worked through many issues. I have had help along the way. A clear cause and effect often doesn't exist. A Healing Journey often hits a tipping point, after which things improve or heal completely. Finding that point is hard work.
An exercise in balancing fairness: The List
If you still have trouble starting on your Healing Journey or keeping on it this is an exercise to help you return to balance and truth.
Take the time to sit down somewhere for around 30-45 minutes. It's often best to be undisturbed, because while your list can give quite some tears, it may also give you some unexpected laughter. Once you are stuck in the "Fair" world idea it might be hard to let go, but this exercise is meant to show how silly that idea is!
Write above the list: "The Getaway" and fill in all the things you have done that you have gotten away with. Nights not sleeping and working hard without getting ill? Drove too fast, but didn't get fined? Treated a person ugly, but they forgave you and remained your friend?
Most of us will have hundreds if not thousands of these kind of 'offenses' in which we weren't caught or didn't pay any price. How strange is it to think then, that the world if "fair" in the way that everything gets paid for? How strange that you have to have 'done' something to deserve what happened? Or that because you didn't, it should be solved for you?
Enjoyed reading about this part of the Healing Journey? Want to tell me how your exercise went? Respond on the blog, Facebook Fan Page or through E-mail!
Yesterday I had a lovely evening with 2 wonderful ladies while we were working on getting back to strength, to your center and to your own truth. One of the topics of conversation in that workshop was being gentle. We talked about how easy it is to be gentle to others and how hard it sometimes is to be gentle to yourself. I felt it was a good topic for a blog post on being gentle after something goes wrong!
Why being gentle with yourself is so important
Imagine a poor wounded bird that dropped from the nest. We wouldn't chide it for falling out. We wouldn't poke it to try to make it fly back up. We wouldn't think it deserved to stay in pain. We would gentle cup it in our hands and put it back where it belongs - to safety and warmth. This is what is right.
Now think back on the last time you made a mistake and you dropped from the nest. I'm sure you chided yourself sternly. Your guilt probably helped that chiding along, as well as making you believe you deserved punishment. How does that help you? It keeps you out in the cold, keeps you in a negative cycle and keeps you from seeing yourself for what you truly are: Human - capable of making mistakes - and capable of correcting them.
So, take the time to be gentle with yourself. That way you stay in a positive loving vibe - even after the worst mistakes in your life.
How to be gentle: Step 1: Stopping the Out of Control Inner Critic
Having an Inner Critic is fine - we all need to evaluate our actions, thoughts and decisions. Our Critic lets us know when we stray or how we could do better next time. However, with some people the Critic is out of control! It keeps on talking and talking and talking - making you feel small, stupid and belittled.
Sometimes this is caused by the teachings of your parents, siblings or other significant people in your life, sometimes it's primarily us - we want to be the best and we think that yelling at ourselves will accomplish that. It's quite a silly notion, as we all know that we feel more motivated with gentleness then with toxic words.
So, next time your Inner Critic gets out of control and you are telling yourself how you should have known to do things differently - get your Inner Fan on the stage. The Inner Fan balances out the Inner Critic. It encourages us, finds us courageous and cheers every time we try to take positive action - regardless of the outcome.
How to be gentle: Step 2: Allowing your feelings
Ok, so something went wrong and you feel terrible about it. Often, people want to stay positive or deal with the problem by ignoring it. Neither is good idea. First and foremost, allow your feelings to be there. Then - comfort yourself accordingly for as long as you need!
That little bird out of the nest is cold and upset - just like you are. Comfort yourself gently, before taking steps to correct issues. Heartache only heals when we allow it to be there and when we take care of it.
How to be gentle: Step 3: Working on the solution
It's easy to stay stuck in negativity once something went wrong and to stay harsh. To think of all kinds of negative solutions based on punishments or to think only of the problem that was created.
Instead, be sure to think of what you have learnt about yourself and others. Think on how this can be bring something positive into your life. If you can't think of something, that's fine.
Then, start thinking on how to solve it in a way that is satisfying.
How to be gentle: Step 4: Reward yourself
Regardless of the consequences of your solution reward yourself. You did your best, so be gentle and acknowledge that. This step is most often forgotten, because we tend not rarely reward ourselves. When we do it, it's mostly when we get exceptional good results (promotion, getting a degree etc.), but those are just the endpoints of a journey. All those times in between are also worth celebrating.
So, for today (and hopefully every day), practice Gentleness!