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Dear people,

Parenting should be rewarding, fun and beautiful. Sadly, often we are forced to own up to our own trauma, our own limitations and our own flaws. So it's no surprise that I often help stressed out parents or kids. I already have many resources to help parents out (for example the True Unity Video's around parenthood), but today I'm going to write about reframing parenting difficulties. Why it works and most common problems to reframe. If you like the technique of reframing, you can also check out Reframing Confrontations and Reframing Job Hunting.

Why reframing helps in parenting

How we feel about things greatly influences our behavior. With reframing we can change our outlook, improve our mindset, create more patience and tackle the real problem. I often hear parents say things that aren't true, but feel true nonetheless. Things like: "My child won't sleep", My children don't listen", "My child is difficult". 

One of the things I always say about parenting is: there are no difficult children. There is only difficult parenting. This is a massively important reframe, because it brings your child back to innocence and you back in focus on the problem: the parenting. If you feel your child is being difficult, you are more likely to respond with impatience, anger, nasty words etc. When you feel parenting is being difficult, you are more likely to respond with grace, forgiveness and problem solving. 

Reframing sleep

Wouldn't it be great if we could control our kids sleep? Young, old, it doesn't matter. Just a button we could press, and ta-da the kid is asleep. And we are able to get things done - because the child is sleeping! Sadly, there is no such button. And when we look closely, we realize we don't even have one for ourselves! How many times have we woken up when we wanted to sleep? Tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep for a few hours? 

So what we need to do is not "get the child to sleep", because that implies control, conflict, power struggle and frustration on both sides. It also places unfair expectations on parents and children! What we instead need to do is facilitate sleep. Meaning we give environment we need for sleep and then we are just present with our children and notice what happens. 

For baby's that means clean diaper, fed, good temperature and no discomfort. And then we just give them space to fall asleep. Maybe that means contact napping, maybe that means rocking a bit, maybe that means laying them down in the crib. Swaddling, sleep sack, white noise machine, heartbeat toy - there are so many options, because some baby's sleep easy and some don't. You figure it out as you go - what is needed for good sleep and adjust accordingly.

With older children that means a solid bed time routine, but sometimes also an extra 20 mins to talk about what's bothering them so they can fall asleep. Or giving them space in your bed at night when they had a nightmare. Or bringing in a nightlight.

When sleep is a problem and we are tired, it often *feels* like the child is just being stubborn and doesn't want to sleep. But we all need to sleep. Our bodies all want to sleep. So when sleep doesn't happen - something is wrong and needs to be addressed. Reframing it as: 'child can't sleep' means we know everybody is trying.  

Reframing listening

Probably the most heard of complaint from parents and children! Also, from adults to adults, I think. How often do we complain we don't feel heard or listened to? Tallying that up during the day might shock you. Yet if we look closely, we need to see if our complaint is it's really about listening. Most of the time, what parents really mean is that they aren't being obeyed. 

If it's truly a problem of listening (which it can be), make sure to have ears and nose checked and find out if your child is not zoned out (for example: autism, hyper focus, ADHD or epilepsy). But if what you really mean is obey - it's time to focus on what that means. 

Reframing problems with listening to: "my child doesn't obey me" means that we have to take a look at how we handle authority in our parenting. Some reflection questions:

• Are we asking them for something they can give? No for example won't work before a child is 1 year old, so don't expect that to be obeyed until they can understand what you mean. Check if what you are asking for is developmentally appropriate. 
• Do we give our children too many chances so that our requests are unclear and our children don't know when to obey. Do they know when we are being serious and when we aren't? 
• Are we asking our children to obey us when obeying is very hard for them? Do we need to institute timers or work on transitions?
• Are we expecting 100% obedience even when our children don't know why something is important? Do we need to start looking for buy-in for older children and compromise with them?

There are many reasons why children don't obey. Sometimes they are too young. Sometimes they are learning and pushing boundaries. Sometimes they have other difficulties keeping them from doing what you want. In all cases: we as parents need to figure it out. 

Sometimes disobedience can trigger a lot in the parent. Maybe because you were treated in a horrible way when you didn't obey, so you don't have a healthy frame for how to deal with disobedience. Maybe you feel disrespected or unheard. Parenting is bound to bring up childhood trauma. So take some time to heal  yourself before dealing with authority/obedience issues and you might notice that some things have cleared up as if by magic. 

Reframing difficult children

There is definitely difficult parenting. There are so many ways parenting can be difficult. But when we label a child difficult, we don't give space to who they are, instead making sure that they are prone to act in ways we don't want them to act. I've read a study that split a group in A and B children for the school year. The parents incorrectly assumed the A-group were the smart kids and the B-group were not and treated their children that way. Researchers were shocked that the children actually fell into those roles when they tested them a year later. With the A group being the top half in tests scores and the B group  being the bottom half. A year ago they had divided them by alternating students based on highest test scores hoping to form 2 equal smartness groups.

If you notice yourself labeling, move from the child towards the action. Your child is not selfish -  that was a selfish action. Your child is not stubborn -  your child acted in a stubborn way. We are used to changing  actions - offering alternatives, talking through scenario's, asking questions etc. It always helps to see where we are supporting the trait we want to see. If you want your child to show kindness, generosity, wisdom, self regulation etc. etc. when and how do you practice that? When do you set the example?

Parenting can be difficult in so many ways:

• Our child's behavior triggers us
• Our child's behavior mirrors our flaws
• Childhood wounds keep us from being the parent we want to be
• Physical/Mental/Emotional problems with our child
• Physical/Mental/Emotional problems with ourselves 
• Household stress (financial, absent partner etc.)

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Give yourself some grace when you can't be the parent you want to be or you struggle with a particularly though parenting situation. I'd love to write more about this in the future. If you have some issues you'd like to hear more about, you can email me, post a comment here on the blog or send me a message on the Facebook Fan Page or on Instagram. If you want to heal your parenting struggles with me, ask me for a free intake!