Dear people,
Recently I've been asked again about relationship compatibility. I bet it doesn't surprise people that often I'm being asked about true love, finding the right partner, relationship potential and dating. Sometimes a Reading is necessary to clarify issues, find new opportunities or look into the future. Sometimes a Healing is necessary to remove past relationship baggage and create a flow for the right romantic partner. While I love doing this work, I'd like to write a bit about compatibility today to help you out when you are dating or want to reflect on your relationship.
First Level of Compatibility: who to date
To make somebody interesting enough for us to date, we need to have some compatibility. If we don't connect at all with somebody, we can do a pity date, but it's not going to end up being a loving mutual beneficial relationship.
So, we should date people with whom we have:
- Physical Compatibility - we find them attractive, we have some spark, we like what we see/feel etc.
- Emotional Compatibility - we feel a heart connection, we feel understood, engaged and like we can trust them
- Mental Compatibility - we have a mind connection - we can have great conversations together, our talks are engaging etc.
- Spiritual Compatibility - we intuitively know that there is something there to discover or we just know something is right for us.
Not everybody will rate these compatibilities at the same level. Some people really want to feel a spiritual connection, while others will not date somebody where they feel no physical attraction. Only you know what matters to you and how you deal with things not being as compatible as you'd like. I know some people who only feel physically attracted when their minds or hearts are engaged. So they will date people without feeling that initial physical spark, knowing it will likely come in time.
If you date people you have no connection with on any level, expect to have disappointing dates. The clearer you are on what works for you, the easiest it will be for everybody. While it can be challenging to turn down somebody, wasting their time and energy on hopeless dates that go nowhere is not kindness, but cowardice.
Second Level of Compatibility: who to keep dating
So you are dating, feel some spark, are a bit engaged, and you are hoping to grow into a deeper relationship. This is where I always tell people: having a long relationship is simple: simply take whatever the other person gives you and fulfill the wants/needs/desires of your partner. You won't have a happy relationship, but you'll have a long one. Because you will not leave, based on your own wants/needs/desires and your partner won't either.
If you want to grow a happy relationship, that is fulfilling and will be sustainable, you need to invest the time. You need to start figuring out what each others goals and values are and how compatible those are. While I wish there was a short cut into finding out true love on the first date - there simply isn't. We only know how well we fit together, how trustworthy somebody is and how we feel, when we spend time together and experience what a relationship is like.
Common goals and the resulting dealbreakers all have to do with what our current life is like and what we want for our future. Kids for example are a common dealbreaker, because you can't have half a kid and you do need to know if you want to them or not. This might not be that urgent when you are in your 20s, but later on it will. Other goals have to do with our families: how much contact do we have, our work: how much time do we spend in our career, our finances: how do we like to spend and our way of life.
Remember though: people lie about their goals. nobody is going to say: "I want to be a couch potato every weekend", so people tend to say:"it's really important for me to have a healthy body and to exercise and take care of myself". Sometimes this about wanting to look better to a prospective partner (kind of like we'd do in job interviews) and sometimes it's that we think our goals are a certain way but it actually isn't or isn't anymore.
For example: women who tell me that there are going to be career women even when they are going to have a baby, then they have the baby and with all the hormones and the changes in their lives they're like, no I'm staying home. The opposite also happens with women who tell me that they really want to be a stay at home mom and after six months say I am going completely insane, I need to have a job.
So besides discussing goals, when you spend time with your date and partner, check their behavior. If they say they care about fitness, do they actually have active activities? Do they go the gym, sleep well etc. If they say they care about family, do they actually spend time with them? If they say they are independent or generous or helpful, do you see that behavior when you are around them?
It's much easier to say something is our goal and mislead somebody then it's to actually change our behavior. So it's vital we keep an eye on how our prospective partner is behaving and what choices they are making. If they say they want a stable relationship, but are still on dating apps and actively engaging in dates with others, it's quite clear what their real goal is.
When you have a connection, when you have an
attraction, it's very tempting to say the right things to move the
relationship forward instead of really understanding that it should be
the opposite, you should have the right goals together so you can move
forward. And when there's a lot of sexual attraction, when there's a lot
of emotional intimacy, it's just very tempting to feel like,
oh these goals, we can still change those or we can still kind of
convince the other person that my way is better and it's going to work
out. But in fact most of the time it does not work out.
And it's vital that you talk in depth about what a goal would look like. If somebody says they want kids and you want kids, that does mean you have some compatibility, but doesn't mean you are compatible. You still have timeline (when to have kids), but also how that would look like (stay at home parent, daycare, family involvement, type of parenting.
Third Level of Compatibility: how to figure out if your relationship will last
So if you want the same things in the same way and you feel connection and attraction, you are done right? Sadly, no, that's not only it. We all have conflicts in our lives and how we solve those conflicts really shows if we can make it work long term or not. This also counts for friendships - because we also have misunderstandings and problems that need to be worked out sometimes.
So, it's important to see if you are compatible in how you solve conflict. If one person is willing to talk things out while the other person throws a tantrum, long term, nothing gets solved, issues will continue to pop up and slowly anger, resentment and pain will undermine your relationship. If one person is unwilling to communicate their needs/wants/desires or unwilling to stand up for them, the relationship will start to become lopsided and with these kinds of communication issues, there is likely to be a big blow up eventually.
We need to continue to put time, effort and energy in our relationships. So long term we need to be able to communicate, solve conflicts and heal together. If we are in that space, us together as a team is bigger then both people on their own. That's what keeps us in the relationship: both partners are benefiting.
It's much easier to love and support your partner, if you feel loved and supported back. It's much easier to deal with conflict, if your communication styles work well together. If both people are ok with shouting, there is no problem. But if one does and the other won't quit it, then it won't. If both people are avoiding issues, the relationship can't flourish, but if one of them is able to clearly communicate the need to solve things it can.
If you have this level of compatibility, you grow together, but it's still possible that values and goals change too rapidly and your relationship won't last. Yet, it will be happy and healthy until it's time to say goodbye. This is why some people are able to stay friends with their ex, because the respect and friendship is still there, even if the shared vision no longer is.
The only way to see this third type of compatibility is to be in the relationship. So I always recommend commitment to a partner, if you have the first and second levels of compatibility. But to remember, that having no conflicts probably means that one partner is being too self-sacrificing, and that won't work. And you need to really see if a few months in, your relationship is healthier and you personally and the other person as well, because you grew together or unhealthier, because while you feel attracted to each other, you lost respect, trust or feel resentment. In any happy, healthy, long lasting relationship, the personal and the mutual must flourish.
If you commit and it won't work, it's fast to see that it won't work. Conflicts pop up. Discussions are had. Communication fails. If you won't commit, because you are afraid to get hurt, you won't see much conflict, because your partner isn't that involved in your life. You see them rarely, won't be vulnerable and won't rely on them. So how will you figure out if they are a positive influence in your life? If mutual life is more beneficial? Once you commit, commit to the healthy relationship, meaning knowing when to leave and let go, even if you do have great feelings, sex or other benefits.
I can help you find the right partner, help you solve conflicts or gain clarity about relationships. Simply ask me for a free intake and we can see what's helpful for you. If you want to discuss these topics, simply leave a comment here on the blog or on the Facebook Fan Page. You can also find me on Instagram or try out the Manifestation Meditation: True Love to manifest your dream partner. 
