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Dear people,

A lot of times when I work with clients and their relationships they will tell me they've told their partner 10.000 times what's wrong, but nothing changes. Sometimes they do need to work on their communication skills, but in other cases, communication just isn't enough. While it would be great that just talking would create a change and transform the issues, sometimes a little more is needed. I want to speak about this today.

Finding out if communication is the problem

If you want to know if communication is the problem, just ask people to repeat back to you what you've said. If they repeat back what you meant, then you are golden. If they don't, then, you do need to work on your communication skills. 

Generally speaking, I often see people soften their communication to such an extend that it creates confusion. Saying: "If you have the time, would you please do X", doesn't indicate urgency while saying: "I need you to fix X, by end of day", does. Saying: "I'm disappointed you forgot Y" isn't the same as saying: "I'm angry you forgot Y". It's fine to be polite, but make sure that you do communicate urgency as well as your true feelings.  

Finding out if understanding is the problem 

While it would be nice to just do the dishes because your partner asked you and remember to be on time because your mom appreciates it, the fact of the matter is, we all do better, when we know why. Understanding why a certain thing is important to the other person, makes it a much more of a priority for us. 

So, it's our responsibility to make sure the other person understands us. If we don't explain why something is harming us, our partner can dismiss it as "something small, no big deal" etc. If you find that your partner does repeat back to you what you said, but doesn't give it the same priority or doesn't seem to get why it matters, work on understanding each other. Share your feelings and thoughts behind your requests, desires and needs.

If you find yourself often dismissing the other persons requests or feelings, it's definitely time to work on your empathy. I always say: "If it's a problem for your partner, it's a problem for you", because it's the best way to keep your relationship healthy. When our partner is stressed, upset, angry, disappointed or in any way in trouble, they can't be as present, loving and kind as they normally would be. 

So even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to us, it does impact our enjoyment of life and each other. Ask for understanding, but remember: when we dismiss each other, we cause trouble in paradise. 

Finding out if you need to stand your ground

So, what if your partner can repeat it back to you and understands you,  but still won't make the change? He knows how much you get annoyed by dirty dishes, but he still won't do them or she understands you need a 15 minute break when you come home, but she still starts talking as soon as you are at the door. 

Then it's time to stand your ground. Often, we tend to give in, because we don't want to nag. So we do the dishes ourselves or we just listen while we are exhausted. This looks like a sweet thing, but it's not, as it will breed resentment and anger, while the other person is most likely seeing it as: "not such a big deal".

We teach people how we want to be treated. If we let it slide, it becomes the standard. So, you need to stand your ground. Leave the dishes. Don't respond to the conversation, but shut it down with a: "We talked about this, so unless it's an emergency, I'm taking my 15 minute break now and walk away. 

Our partners can have trouble changing their behavior, so we need to stand our ground, so the pattern can change. If your partner understands, they will apologize and even tell you to keep at it, so you can find your new healthier equilibrium. If your partner responds with anger, then, often, the understanding phase wasn't done well enough. 

It's hard to stand your ground. Nobody likes conflict, nobody likes feeling 'strict', but, if you won't do it, you will breed resentment and anger and in the end, this will mark the slow death of your relationship. Relationships can't stay healthy if boundaries keep being crossed over and over again.

Finding out if you need consequences

In very rare cases, our partners understanding and us standing our ground isn't enough. Then it's still not the two of you moving into a new pattern, but your partner unwilling to make a change that would be better for both of you. In that case, I offer that consequences should be the next natural step. 

Worst case scenario, the consequence for not creating a healthy relationship is of course the complete break down of a relationship like for an example a divorce. A lot of people are not comfortable creating consequences for a partner, but if you don't, the ultimate consequence will start to become more and more tempting. 

If you have had problems in the previous steps then this is where one partner might sometimes say: "The divorce came out of the blue, I don't know what happened", while the other person says: "I tried to get him/her to change and understand for years".  

If you are honest and clear with each other, you have to be clear that some behavior is a deal breaker and that it will have ultimate consequences. Others might have annoying consequences that will allow your partner to feel the same level of pain or annoyance as you. Sometimes that's what is necessary for us to really commit to a change. 

So if you are always hosting the dinners while your partner sits and doesn't help, you explained it, they understand, you stood your ground and not done all the work yourself creating less elaborate meals and still there is no help, then a natural consequence could be to stop hosting or to order dinner in or to only host for the people you wish to host for. Either you are happy with where you are at then or your partner will have no choice to step up. 

Consequences are the ultimate fail safe that we can need to learn, like a child burning it's hand to finally get it's hot. It's uncomfortable, but usually we only need to feel them once or twice to get the message. So, don't keep your partner from experiencing the natural consequences or it you will not see change and you doom your relationship. 

So, when people come to me craving change, sometimes I help them communicate better, sometimes I help them explain better and take on the responsibility of creating understanding, sometimes I teach them to stand their ground and protect their boundaries and rarely I teach them to give natural consequences. All in all, I've seen many miraculous changes occur and have had people astonished at how much difference communication, understanding, assertiveness and consequences can make. 

Want to create a change in your relationship? Don't hesitate to reach out. It doesn't matter if you come on your own or if your partner wants to join you. Transformation starts at the right level and will continue to improve lives in my practice. 

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