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Dear people,

Often we have well meaning people in our lives wishing to give us advice or to help us with what they perceive is our problem. While most people will understand our boundaries and respect them, not all people will. We don't want to start a fight, but also, we don't want to feel pushed or ignored. Today I'll talk about how to shut people down in a polite and mostly tactful way.

When you have made a decision - don't JADE
JADE which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain is something we often do when have made a decision. We want the other person to understand why, hoping this understanding fosters their cooperation or at least their acceptance.

However, when we are talking to somebody who has trouble respecting our boundaries, this just means that you give them ammunition to try to argue with you, convince you or feel that they are entitled to make your decision a mutual one. It keeps feeding into longer and longer discussions that leave us feeling exhausted and angry.

No is a complete sentence. If you feel that's too rude, "that won't work for me", or "that's not an option for me" is a wonderful substitute. If you have initiated the conversation saying: "That's non of your business" might be too rude for you, but "My decision has been made" is also a wonderful way to tell them it's over. If they keep going on and on, please feel completely justified in hanging up the phone or walking away. Boundary disrespect needs to have consequences or you will be fighting this battle all the time - win the war by escalating if people disrespect your boundaries.

Shutting down people who have can't empathize with you
Sometimes people don't understand our decisions and feel like they have the right to try to convince us to change our minds. I often find it's because they have trouble to empathize with our reasons, because they don't have similar experiences.

For example: if your mother was toxic and you cut her from your life and friend might say: "but she's your mother!" and feel the need to convince you to try to heal that relationship. It's because they are imagining themselves in your shoes but with their mother and not yours.

It's hopeless to get people to understand if they are unwilling to look beyond their own experiences. There are countless mothers who have grievously hurt their own children. You will find yourself getting back into the same hurtful discussions over and over. Shut them down for your sake.

So, politely shut them down with:
"I have heard your thoughts/feelings/ideas about this topic, but the discussion is closed"
"I'm confident I'm doing the right thing"
"This isn't up for discussion"
"It's my life and thus my choice"

Again, if the second boundary isn't respected, feel free to escalate to hanging up the phone, walking away or putting your friend in time out. 

Shutting down people who feel they deserve a second chance
Sometimes people are not right for each other. If we aren't, we will walk a road of pain in which we hurt each other (inadvertently or on purpose). When it's clear that it's time to say goodbye to such a relationship, often only one person sees this truth. This means one person will sometimes chase the other for a second chance.

You don't owe anybody a second chance to hurt you. If you clearly see that this person isn't good for you, this relationship isn't healthy or you are just unwilling to give them a second chance, that's fine. I repeat: You don't owe anybody a second chance to hurt you.

Shut them down hard by making sure they can't contact you anymore. Remove them from social media, don't reply to texts, block their phone calls and put their e-mails immediately into the trash or a special folder (for evidence purposes). There are no magical words or explanations that will work. Nobody deserves to be harassed. If this continues, please contact the authorities.

Shutting down people who are rude
I prefer to be tactful but sometimes people are just plain rude to you. They might give unsolicited advice or make nasty comments on your appearance, relationship, manners or whatever they feel needs correcting.

You can feel overwhelmed and angry when this happens and that makes is hard to have a snappy comeback. This is why I often have standard sentences to use so I can at least wrangle those out of my mouth.

Shut them down with:
"What a thing to say!"
"I can't believe you just said that"
"That's not your business"

Boundary Escalation 
If somebody repeatedly crossed a boundary, they are escalating by ignoring you, which means you can escalate by showing them that behavior isn't tolerated. Is that rude? Maybe a bit, but they are rude first.

Healthy escalation:

1. Subtle remark (not answering the questions, redirecting etc.)
2. Polite request (let's talk about something else etc.)
3. Explicit request (I don't want to talk about this)
4. Shutting down (this isn't up for discussion)
5. Cutting down contact (hanging up the phone, moving away, leaving)
6. Time out (You didn't respect my boundaries - I won't speak to you until I get an apology/I need some space, I'll contact you when I'm ready)

You have every right to protect your boundaries. Your healthy escalation might look different from mine, but if you are stuck on a number that isn't being respect (for example repeatedly ask politely), please move down your list for your own emotional and mental health.

Want more advice on shutting people down or share your own take down story? Post a comment on the Blog, Facebook Fan Page or talk to me.

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Rejuvenating myself is easy
Rejuvenating myself is simple

Rejuvenating myself is right 
I rejuvenate myself every day

Dear People,

A lot of us give a lot and it's easy to forget our own boundaries and to feel burnt out. We are tired of helping others and we just want to be left alone or we try to manipulate others to give to us, because we aren't receiving enough. This is a serious issue that can damage our relationships with other people and definitely the one we have with ourselves.  So today I'll talk about how to keep your positive flow with giving!

Remove any expectations
I'm sure we all have been on the receiving end of receiving a gift and having the giver expect us to be grateful, happy, excited or any other mix of feelings. It makes it very awkward when we don't like the gift or when we feel pressured into giving back something (time, energy, a favor, a gift etc.). This type of giving and receiving diminishes both people.

So when you plan to give something, check with yourself: would you be very sad if the person doesn't like it, are you giving it because you wish for something in return (thanks, a favor, a gift) or to make yourself feel superior? We all fall into these types of traps, so don't worry, just do the work necessary to heal these expectations so you can give freely.

Make sure you really want to give what you are giving
Sometimes we feel obligated to give (time, energy, a favor, a gift) because the receiver is family, or a good friend or our boss. When we feel obligated, the gift isn't given freely, and again it will diminish both parties. Or we might feel that before we give something, we receive an apology or build a better bond.

When you don't feel that you can give this particular thing freely, check what you can give freely. It might be less time, a less expensive gift, good advice or  an opening to talk and air out your feelings

Make sure you give enough to yourself
Sometimes we are so caught up in what other people need, want or require from us, that we forget to give to ourselves. This is especially easy if we have children, but we can also be caught up in family, spouses or even our boss!

So check your own needs regularly to make sure you have what you need to feel happy and whole. Don't be shy about buying yourself a gift or taking time for just yourself.

Make sure you receive back
If giving becomes one sided for a long time, our relationships suffer. So make sure that you receive back, either by accepting what another person offers or by asking for things yourself. If you find yourself saying: "No, it's no problem" or "It's fine", check yourself. Often we have learned that this is polite but having a healthy giving flow is much more important then being polite!

Want to share more about giving and receiving? Post a comment on the blog, Facebook Fan Page or talk to me.